happiness

i had a post all written in my head about how life is hard right now. all of our needs are abundantly met, but things are hard. we're tired. we get angry. we miscommunicate. we're overly sensitive. we're don't always choose love. 

then i came home. where steven had planned a bonfire night with hot dogs, smores, seasonal beer. and my heart is full.

after our bonfire night, it was bathtime. which has become one of my favorite times (of the week, on a good week) since j learned to hate it less and c is able to join in the fun.

life will be hard again tomorrow i'm sure, but tonight i am going to bed happy.

home life

i've been meaning to update, but my computer is all but dead. which means i can't upload new pictures. which makes posting boring and slow. but here i am with an update on life. and it's boring. sorry.

work is going well. i feel worlds away from the world of adults with developmental disabilities, which is where i spent the past four years. but now i'm in a whole new world - one of abuse, addiction, poverty. i feel like i'm slowly finding my way. my schedule is crazy all over the place, which means working late two nights a week, rarely feeling like cooking, and eating peanut butter and jelly in my car at least three times a week. but overall, i love the job. i love the stress. and i don't hate the schedule. because every now and then i get an afternoon like tuesday. had a cancelled appointment so i was able to meet the boys for ice cream and take jack on a bike ride. and mornings like this one. which involved drinking coffee in my pajamas while finishing some work from home, making chocolate chip pancakes for j, and taking him out on his scooter. 

s is working nights at a bar. so his days involve very little sleep while caring for the boys all day. my crazy schedule + his crazy schedule = crazy life right now. but we're making it. and not unhappyily. (though honestly it could be easier and we probably could be happier.) this is life for now and we're grateful for it, still fully confident in being here.

and in other news, a couple looked at our house for the third time this week. so we could be moving again!

this city

recently, some friends and i were talking over drinks about their bucket lists. i don't really have one. nothing really seems that important to me that it's imperative i do it before i die. i want to love some people well. hopefully lots of people. that's about it. 

anyways, i do have an "indianapolis bucket list" and here it is:

1. go duck pin bowling in fountain square (this was accomplished over the weekend for steve's 30th birthday!)

2. attend the indy 500

3. eat at city market 

4. go to a colts game

5. go the indiana state fair (i missed it this year)

6. eat at bub's burgers in carmel which has been featured on man vs. food - i've already been once, but it was the best burger i've ever eaten in my life so once is not enough

7. take j to the children's museum

8. take j to the indianapolis zoo

9. catch an indianapolis indians game (minor league baseball)

i'm sure i'll be crossing things off this list and adding new things all the time. my job takes me all over the city. to every nook on every side of town. i meet a lot of crazy people. i see a lot of good and bad, but mostly bad. i don't mind though. i love indianapolis and i think i love it more because of the bad i see. i feel like i know her well. not just the cute pretty parts you want to show your friends, but i feel like i really know indianapolis.and i want to know more. as much as i can. and we're really just beginning here...

tonight, not again

steven has started working nights. and it's an okay gig for now. brings in a little bit of extra money without having to pay a babysitter. it works out.

but i hate falling asleep without him. so inevitably, i stay up too late watching grey's. waiting until i'm really really tired in hopes that i'll fall asleep quickly. the next morning i wonder why i didn't take advantage of a quiet night and go to bed earlier.

even when steven is home at night, we normally don't go to bed together. but there's something about the comfort of him just being in the other room. without him - the house is weirder, louder, lonelier. i don't like it. i guess that's what marriage does. makes the world a little scarier when they're not around.