wrong way

we're in a funk. and have been for months. in the craziness of getting ready to move, staying in someone else's house for three weeks, figuring out new jobs in a new city and new schedules, well...we just haven't found our groove yet.

i've been drinking too much diet coke, smoking too many cigarettes, eating too many french fries, and running not at all. my jeans are not happy.

the past four years i started work at 7:30 am. which meant getting up between 5:30 and 6, going for a run (before my belly got too big and summer got too hot) and leaving the house before i saw any sweet faces. but i was home by 4. in time to play and cook and do anything else i needed to do.

now my work day typically starts at 9. which means i get a lot of sleep and i kind of love it. kind of addicted to my sleep. and usually only see one sweet face before i leave. but now i don't get home until 5 or 6, sometimes later. rarely feel like cooking (though we probably wouldn't even have the right groceries if i wanted to), and end up folding laundry until 11. 

after four years in social services, this is the first job that leaves me drained and exhausted at the end of the day. it wears me out. i come home and need a break. need a rest.

on one hand, it's nice to feel more laid back. not feel the pressure to be so disciplined. to let things go a little bit.

but i feel lazy as fuck. i'm carrying around an extra 10ish lbs. and i just feel stuck.

we're going to be friends

jack and his cousin are best friends. we don't get to see them as often as we'd like, but i think that will always be the case unless they're living next door. (which isn't likely to happen anytime soon since they're moving to france for two years).

jack and ava have always gotten along. ALWAYS. jack loved her so much when she was a baby and as she's gotten older, she's followed every move he makes. they're almost exactly a year apart. steve says there will come a time when it'll get weird because he's a boy and she's a girl, but right now, they're best friends.

jack used to be a biter. (i'll defend my kid to the death about this too.) but one of these times involved ava. she was at jack's babysitter for the day while my sister was out of town. another little girl at the sitter's was getting into ava's diaper bag while she was napping. according to the sitter, he gave off warning signs that he was upset; yelling and crying, like "bitch, step away from my cousin's stuff or i'll bite you." and he did.

ava (and beckett and tracy) are coming to town tomorrow. we haven't seen them in three months. jack's been counting down for days. the other night before bed i asked j what he was thankful for. "i'm thankful it's only four more days until ava is here."

 july 2008

april 2009

 august 2010

october 2010

july 2011

precious love

steven and i have tried to be as open and honest with j about his story and life as much as we can, considering he's four. we talk about it often, hoping he feels able to ask questions when he has them, and hoping he always knows who he is: first and foremost, a child of God. and after that, loved very very very very much by steven and i.

tonight, our past and our story was on my mind and my heart as i was sharing bits of it with a new friend in town. so as i was putting j to bed, as we were snuggling, and laughing, and loving, i took the opportunity to talk with him about it once again.

me - j, do you remember what happened to your first dad?
j - yeah, he got sick.
me - does that make you sad?
j - no because Jesus will bring me a new daddy and He already did.

i know these conversations will change as he gets older; it will get more complicated with more questions. but right now, i'm so happy. happy that he knows he's loved. happy that he's not sad. happy that the conversations are still easy.

(s and j in the early days.)