precious love

steven and i have tried to be as open and honest with j about his story and life as much as we can, considering he's four. we talk about it often, hoping he feels able to ask questions when he has them, and hoping he always knows who he is: first and foremost, a child of God. and after that, loved very very very very much by steven and i.

tonight, our past and our story was on my mind and my heart as i was sharing bits of it with a new friend in town. so as i was putting j to bed, as we were snuggling, and laughing, and loving, i took the opportunity to talk with him about it once again.

me - j, do you remember what happened to your first dad?
j - yeah, he got sick.
me - does that make you sad?
j - no because Jesus will bring me a new daddy and He already did.

i know these conversations will change as he gets older; it will get more complicated with more questions. but right now, i'm so happy. happy that he knows he's loved. happy that he's not sad. happy that the conversations are still easy.

(s and j in the early days.)

happiness

i had a post all written in my head about how life is hard right now. all of our needs are abundantly met, but things are hard. we're tired. we get angry. we miscommunicate. we're overly sensitive. we're don't always choose love. 

then i came home. where steven had planned a bonfire night with hot dogs, smores, seasonal beer. and my heart is full.

after our bonfire night, it was bathtime. which has become one of my favorite times (of the week, on a good week) since j learned to hate it less and c is able to join in the fun.

life will be hard again tomorrow i'm sure, but tonight i am going to bed happy.

home life

i've been meaning to update, but my computer is all but dead. which means i can't upload new pictures. which makes posting boring and slow. but here i am with an update on life. and it's boring. sorry.

work is going well. i feel worlds away from the world of adults with developmental disabilities, which is where i spent the past four years. but now i'm in a whole new world - one of abuse, addiction, poverty. i feel like i'm slowly finding my way. my schedule is crazy all over the place, which means working late two nights a week, rarely feeling like cooking, and eating peanut butter and jelly in my car at least three times a week. but overall, i love the job. i love the stress. and i don't hate the schedule. because every now and then i get an afternoon like tuesday. had a cancelled appointment so i was able to meet the boys for ice cream and take jack on a bike ride. and mornings like this one. which involved drinking coffee in my pajamas while finishing some work from home, making chocolate chip pancakes for j, and taking him out on his scooter. 

s is working nights at a bar. so his days involve very little sleep while caring for the boys all day. my crazy schedule + his crazy schedule = crazy life right now. but we're making it. and not unhappyily. (though honestly it could be easier and we probably could be happier.) this is life for now and we're grateful for it, still fully confident in being here.

and in other news, a couple looked at our house for the third time this week. so we could be moving again!

this city

recently, some friends and i were talking over drinks about their bucket lists. i don't really have one. nothing really seems that important to me that it's imperative i do it before i die. i want to love some people well. hopefully lots of people. that's about it. 

anyways, i do have an "indianapolis bucket list" and here it is:

1. go duck pin bowling in fountain square (this was accomplished over the weekend for steve's 30th birthday!)

2. attend the indy 500

3. eat at city market 

4. go to a colts game

5. go the indiana state fair (i missed it this year)

6. eat at bub's burgers in carmel which has been featured on man vs. food - i've already been once, but it was the best burger i've ever eaten in my life so once is not enough

7. take j to the children's museum

8. take j to the indianapolis zoo

9. catch an indianapolis indians game (minor league baseball)

i'm sure i'll be crossing things off this list and adding new things all the time. my job takes me all over the city. to every nook on every side of town. i meet a lot of crazy people. i see a lot of good and bad, but mostly bad. i don't mind though. i love indianapolis and i think i love it more because of the bad i see. i feel like i know her well. not just the cute pretty parts you want to show your friends, but i feel like i really know indianapolis.and i want to know more. as much as i can. and we're really just beginning here...

tonight, not again

steven has started working nights. and it's an okay gig for now. brings in a little bit of extra money without having to pay a babysitter. it works out.

but i hate falling asleep without him. so inevitably, i stay up too late watching grey's. waiting until i'm really really tired in hopes that i'll fall asleep quickly. the next morning i wonder why i didn't take advantage of a quiet night and go to bed earlier.

even when steven is home at night, we normally don't go to bed together. but there's something about the comfort of him just being in the other room. without him - the house is weirder, louder, lonelier. i don't like it. i guess that's what marriage does. makes the world a little scarier when they're not around.

marvelous light

this week, in three days, i read heaven is for real by todd burpo. the content of the book (which is true, by the way) is this:

colton, todd's three year old son, had an emergency appendectomy. while on the operating table, colton experienced heaven. colton was actually in heaven. over the course of the next year or so, he shared what he saw with his parents. all of which remarkably aligned with what the Bible tells us of heaven.

revelation 21:23 says "the city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the Glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp." one day colton's father tried to kind of trip him up by asking something like "what did you do when it was dark in heaven?" colton responded by saying "It doesn't get dark in heaven...God and Jesus light up heaven." 

i've been listening to a couple of songs on repeat lately. one is "nothing" by the script which has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but it's a kick ass song that everyone should listen to (you can actually feel the heartbreak). the other two coincidentally speak to this idea of God as light. the first is "marvelous light" by charlie hall. it says "into marvelous light, i'm running, out of darkness, out of shame." listening to this song this morning, after reading the book, struck me. the light. i've also been listening to "from the inside out" by hillsong united. the song says, "everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades. never ending, Your Glory goes beyond all fame." the book gave new meaning to these lyrics for me.

 
i've considered myself a Christian my whole life, though what that has meant in my life and my understanding of it has constantly evolved. but i knew i believed in Jesus, believed that He died on the cross and conquered death, and that i would one day join Him in heaven. but i've never really given heaven anymore thought than that. this book has not necessarily changed my perspective, but helped it. gave thought to things i hadn't. it's changing the way i listen to music, the way i talk to jack about Jesus, and the way i view death. though death still carries a lot of fear for me, "death has lost its sting"...

i want to go to heaven.

farther along

we're here! and loving it. been here for a month. and it's starting to feel like home.

this is the home we stayed in our first three weeks here. steve's best friend and his wife blessed us immensely by allowing us to stay here while they were serving on young life assignment in colorado. staying there gave us a little time to figure out what in the world we were going to do. it bought us some time. and i fell in love with the house. if i could pick it up and move it closer to the city and live in it, i would. obsessed.

this is the home we're staying in now. it's a cute, older home with plenty of space for our family of four. and it's in a neighborhood just a couple miles from the heart of downtown. a historic neighborhood with cute shops, a starbucks, and killer pizza place. we like it. notice the "for sale" sign in the yard? yeah, that's the catch. s and i weren't ready to sign a year lease anywhere, wanted to keep our options open. so our realtor friend turned us onto this home. owners were moving out of state and were interested in the idea of having people keep an eye on the house while keeping it on the market. it's a win-win. we're free to leave at any point and they're free to kick us out at any point. i'm just hoping it's not next month.

we love it here. we feel at home. and though life is a little crazy right now and there's still a lot up in the air, there's no doubt this was the best decision for our family. i love learning the city, finding my way around, knowing the different areas, and finding my favorite spots. like mo'joe for coffee. jockamo for pizza. yats for cajun. the chatterbox for drinks.

a trip to chicago shall happen soon though because i miss these two a lot (and i need to meet the puppy):