stuck on you

i can't believe it's been almost four weeks with little jonah in our lives and i haven't written much about it. i mean, we have been busy. watching giuliana and bill marathons. drinking starbucks. napping. wandering around target. 

i was out for lunch with a friend yesterday who asked what i do all day. it's easier to answer with what i DON'T do all day. i don't work. i don't clean the house. i don't always shower. i don't cook. 

this time off with jonah has been a gift. i love our slow days with no pressure to do anything but care for this precious little human. i am soaking it up in a way i didn't with the other two. maybe because i have this time for just me and him. maybe because i know he's our last (permanent measures have been taken. hallelujah for no more surprises!). either way, it is perfect.

though our days are slow and calm, our afternoons and evenings are the opposite. sometimes it feels like a sprint until bedtime, trying to finish homework, get kids fed, bathed and loved on. even then, our night may not be over. crosby really hasn't slept through the night since we moved him to a twin bed in december and things have only gotten worse since jonah arrived. at any point in the middle of the night, four of us may be awake, feeling tired and frustrated. (thank the Lord jack is a heavy sleeper. that kid could sleep through the apocalypse.) but everyday (every night) gets a little easier. feels a little more comfortable. though i did have a silent panic attack when i realized steve was going to be gone during bedtime last night. but we made it. with no tears. from me or the kids. that's progress.

 first real bath!

 watching the fan.

there is no doubt these boys love their brother!

turning page

i've waited a hundred years

but i'd wait a million more for you.

nothing prepared me for

what the privilege of being yours would do.

- sleeping at last

we are home, we are healthy, and we are oh so so so happy. 

jonah benjamin was born on february 3, 2013, his brother crosby's second birthday. contractions began at 6:30 am. called my mom at 7:30. went to the hospital at 9:30. as contractions were getting worse and worse and the anesthesiologist was nowhere to be found, i realized i'd be having a natural birth. 

jonah  weighed 9 lbs. 12 oz. and was 22 1/4 in. long. he came into the world at 12:44 pm...naturally. 

it wasn't until the nurses began taking him away before i had even held him that i knew something was wrong. the nurse explained that he had taken some meconium in his lungs at some point and wasn't breathing quite like he should. the concern was that he could get sick and develop pneumonia. they needed to monitor him in the nursery. we would be unable to feed him, hold him, touch him until he was stable. 

steven and i weren't too concerned. but four hours later, after i had recovered a bit and was able to visit him in the nursery, i became very sad. 

 
he wasn't in the regular special care nursery. he was in a dark, quiet room by himself. hooked up to oxygen and monitors. the nurses warned that he could not have too much stimulation. and then i cried. he was supposed to be with us. we were supposed to be passing him around, taking pictures, oohing and ahhing at  his features and soft skin, discussing who he looks most like. i was supposed to give him his first feeding. change his first diaper. it was all very sad.

to make things worse...due to the flu, no visitors under the age of 18 were allowed in the hospital. the boys couldn't meet their brother. steve spent his time between the hospital and home. on tuesday he went back to work for a half day. the same day jack was home sick with my mom. it all felt wrong. i missed them all. i was sad.

by monday, i was able to feed jonah, change his diapers, and spend time with him in the nursery. he continued to get good reports, but the doctors wanted to continue to monitor him. he was taken off the oxygen, and later monday moved to the big nursery! 

tuesday afternoon the nurses wheeled him into my room. we got our first pictures together and packed up to go home! we arrived home at 10:30 pm, where his biggest brother was waiting for him! 

 then at 6:30 the next morning...

we are thankful to be home. thankful for the help we've had. the meals that have been provided. thankful for our health. and a quick recovery. thankful for coffee and wine. visitors and well wishes.

now real life begins...

change is gonna come

i feel obligated to write about the holidays, but to be honest, i'm over it. about two days after Christmas, we took all the decorations down, hauled the tree to the alley, and put away new toys. it felt great. not to say we didn't have an amazing holiday. we did. we were able to spend a little bit of time with all sides of the family and it was hectic, but well worth it.

christmas in chicago:

 (skyping with the ryans)

 (me and emma!)

 
christmas in indianapolis:

christmas in muncie:

 (pawpaw and his boys)

 
but now that the holidays are over, we are in full blown baby mode. daily i've been sending steven links to decorating ideas for the nursery. we have unpacked, washed, and put away baby clothes. spent about a week of sleepless nights getting crosby to sleep in the bottom bunk in his new room with jack. my pregnancy has gone from tolerable...to less tolerable. my emotions from excited...to just ready to be done with this pregnancy...to terror! but in five weeks (hopefully less) this family of four is becoming a family of five! more carr family updates to come...

have yourself a merry little christmas

 

o come, o come emmanuel

i don't think i've ever been as excited for christmas as i am this year. it could be the real tree. it could be because i'm nesting which had me taking on a few ambitious projects. but the holiday music has not stopped in this house since the day after thanksgiving. neither has the shopping. christmas candy is in the gumball machine. a cinnamon candle has been burning all day.

as i mentioned before, our little felt dollar store tree skirt wasn't going to cut it this year. we have our first real tree in our very first home. this year deserved more. 

normally, i come up with a project and steve is the executor. he always gives me the best way to tackle something. but this time he said, "i have no idea. you're on your own." so away i went. and here's the finished product:

 

i used instructions from HERE and HERE. it took a lot longer than i was hoping and was not easy on my 7 month pregnant body, but i am so happy with how it turned out! definitely the perfect skirt for our tree!

 

remember the advent calendar the boys made last year? well, that got revamped this year, too! 

 

in each bag is a passage to read out of the Jesus Storybook Bible. i found the advent plan HERE. we also included some candy and little gifts for each day. nothing too crazy. but i am so excited about being a little more deliberate with jack this year in keeping the focus on Christ and sharing what it all means. it's fun to be celebrating and preparing for Jesus all month long!

hope your holiday season is just as exciting as ours! 

o christmas tree

and here is why i love my husband...

while crosby and i were grocery shopping yesterday morning, steve and jack were "supposed" to be setting up our fake, pre-lit, handed down Christmas tree. instead, they went and picked out our first very real, very big tree. and i am in love!!!

 (take note of our three year old dollar store tree skirt. soon to be replaced with a much bigger, fancier, do it yourself project!)

i've never had a real tree before. it smells great, it looks beautiful, and i am happy.

 (even though this isn't crosby's first christmas, it definitely feels like it.)

the nativity scene is set. christmas cards are mailed. a stash of presents hidden. holiday music downloaded. more christmas projects underway.

and i am definitely nesting...the cleaning, the projects, the shopping, the decorating. it's insane and i love it!

please forgive me

i know all moms make mistakes. heck, i was just giving my own mom a hard time today for not taking me to the dentist as a child. but big mistakes? do other moms make really big mistakes?

i made some mistakes tonight. i was angry. frustrated. yelled too quickly and too loudly. i was mean. and i know it was really bad because jack was exceptionally good once he realized just how angry i was. when it was bathtime, he went potty and got undressed without me asking. when i apologized for getting upset, he said "oh it's okay mommy." 

it was one of those nights (not the first time this has happened) where i text steve, who was at work, and say "this is really hard." and he calls and i cry and he asks if he needs to come home (bless his heart) and i say "no" but i want to say "yes and don't ever leave again."

and now i'm sitting here feeling bad, wishing i could do better, be better. and wondering if i've scarred them for life. and if i haven't today, certainly, i will sometime in the next 18 years, right?