what a day

i'm super shitty at a lot of things. including driving (according to my husband), fixing things, anything involving creativity, and blogging. and since it would be too overwhelming to update on the past three months, i'll just jump into where we are now.

the annual fall festival was this past weekend. it is my favorite event of the year. there are pumpkins to be found, prizes to be won, pinatas to be busted, and apples to be bobbed.

 crosby and jack waiting for a hayride.

 

 jonah's first hayride.

 jack found a pumpkin in the woods!

 crosby found a pumpkin!

jonah found a pumpkin! (okay, not really.)

 lining up to find pumpkins with prizes.

 checking out their loot.

 can you tell whose birthday it wasn't?

i'm so grateful for the women in our family who create these memories for our kids and families. they put so much time and effort into creating a perfect day. and perfect it was!

million miles

 

marriage is hard, am i right? one of the hardest things i've ever done. so here's to 4 years of marriage. something to be celebrated!

 

 

"every day and night

together we will grow

making the most of life

as we hold each other close."

        - josh garrels

better in time

if it's possible to identify a defining moment while you're smack dab in the middle of it, then this season of life will certainly be a defining moment for our family. we are being challenged and pushed and pulled. we are being stretched and working to do things differently, better for our family.

it should be no surprise to hear that i struggle in parenting crosby. he is a difficult kid for me. what he needs does not always come naturally for me. it should also be no surprise to hear i experience a lot of anxiety, with work, with life, and again, with crosby. all that, joined by lack of sleep for four out of the five us, the transition to being a family of five, to being a full time working mother of three boys, we recognized it was time for a change. what we had been doing wasn't working.

so that's where we are. there is counseling and books and new parenting techniques. there are a lot of tears and late nights and early mornings. there is so much "just trying to get it right" and "i don't want to screw this up." it is hard and it hurts. but i'm hopeful. we are seeing some change and it's good. there is a light at the end of the tunnel and i am just beginning to see it.

the way you do the things you do

there is nothing to make me appreciate the father of my children more than five days without him.

in honor of his return, and also father's day, i made a list of the things i can't do as well as him or without him. (also, the things i refuse to do that he usually does for me.)

1. put crosby to bed
2. clean my glasses
3. make a shark sword with a head that moves
4. find the humor in a toddler tantrum
5. take out the trash
6. cut onions
7. take crosby to school
8. wrestle the boys
9. school projects
10. build forts
11. grocery shopping
12. go anywhere in public with 3 children

 

there are about a million more things i could add to the list, but instead of writing about him...i'm going to go be with him.

 

happy father's day! 

best friend

is there anything better than being with your best friend and loving on her baby? and her loving on your babies? and our babies loving on each other? throw in a few beers on the front porch and last weekend was just about perfect.

 (heather and her sweet annie)

my favorite story about heather is when i told her i was pregnant with jack. (for those who were at her wedding, you may have heard this before.) i was at Purdue, she was in chicago. she was the first person i called. i'm not even sure how i got the words out. i'm not sure i even said hello.

"heather...i'm pregnant."
"okay!"

you would have thought i asked her if she wanted to go to the zoo. it was the kind of okay that made you believe her. i did. because she said it, i believed everything was going to be okay.

but what she said next was even more important.

"i'm packing my bags. i'll see you in two hours."

she didn't ask a bunch of questions. she didn't come up with a plan for how we were going to handle this. and that's just how heather is, she just does.

she sends you twenty dollars so you can afford a trip home when you're a broke, college student. (and she didn't send a check, because she knew i'd probably rip it up. she sent cash. who does that?) she brings you a banana split, just because. she sends you ten pounds of your favorite candy when you're pregnant. she bathes your kids when they need one. (which really is the nicest way to tell me my kids are dirty. just clean them for me, okay?) she never asks what you need or what she can do to help, she just starts doing. i always wished i was more like that. i was lucky to have her then, when i so badly needed her. and i'm lucky to have her now. (i actually still need her telling me things are going to be okay.)

(us together, after the phone call telling her my news)

clarity

i've been thinking a lot lately about my journey into motherhood. not so much a journey as a cannonball into the deep end. but nonetheless. having friends dealing with infertility, reading about women who dreamed of the day they would become a mother. it's made me think, how bad would i have wanted it? how hard would i have tried? what would i have done to be a mother? would i have even been a mother, given the choice.

there were times i wasn't sure i wanted kids. i thought i'd make a really great aunt. but really, i'm not sure i ever gave it much thought. i never picked out baby names, dreamed of decorating a nursery, or taking in that sweet baby smell.

then i got pregnant. 

there was one day i walking around campus, pregnant. some group or club had crosses in the courtyard representing babies whose lives have been taken by abortion. i cried. not for the babies, but for the mamas. i got it. i understood why they chose what they did. i was one of them, i was scared, i was alone. that could have been us....but for some reason, it wasn't.

so i guess i did choose to be a mother. it just didn't take me very long to think about it. there was no dreaming, no planning. just one look at that test, glaring the word "pregnant" at me, and i knew. i was going to be a mom. i did have a choice. i chose my baby.

almost six years later...

love is hard

i haven't much felt like writing lately. i'm sick of complaining. it's not that life is bad. we have a 3 month old who sleeps 10 hours a night, a 2 year old who is 90% potty trained, and a 5 year old who gets report cards so good they bring me to tears. it's just that...we're in the trenches. the trenches of parenting three boys under the age of 6. it feels hard so much of the time.

so instead of focusing on the negative (because life does not suck around here. it's really pretty great), i'll share some pictures of the ones i love the most.

 (easter 2013)

 (i took the little two to chicago)

 

 (jonah and our sweet annie)

 (best friends and babies. so good for the soul.)