clarity

i've been thinking a lot lately about my journey into motherhood. not so much a journey as a cannonball into the deep end. but nonetheless. having friends dealing with infertility, reading about women who dreamed of the day they would become a mother. it's made me think, how bad would i have wanted it? how hard would i have tried? what would i have done to be a mother? would i have even been a mother, given the choice.

there were times i wasn't sure i wanted kids. i thought i'd make a really great aunt. but really, i'm not sure i ever gave it much thought. i never picked out baby names, dreamed of decorating a nursery, or taking in that sweet baby smell.

then i got pregnant. 

there was one day i walking around campus, pregnant. some group or club had crosses in the courtyard representing babies whose lives have been taken by abortion. i cried. not for the babies, but for the mamas. i got it. i understood why they chose what they did. i was one of them, i was scared, i was alone. that could have been us....but for some reason, it wasn't.

so i guess i did choose to be a mother. it just didn't take me very long to think about it. there was no dreaming, no planning. just one look at that test, glaring the word "pregnant" at me, and i knew. i was going to be a mom. i did have a choice. i chose my baby.

almost six years later...