i drive myself crazy

there are days i think i can't handle being a full time working mom any longer. today is one of those days.

i've always loved working. i never thought i'd be that great at staying home and felt like working made me a better mom.

but not tonight. the laundry, the dishes, dirty floors, toys everywhere, it's all too much at 5 pm when i get home from work. and when it's one thing, it's a million things. it's the little piece of lint on the end table, or the random sock on the floor, or the fact that i can't find one of j's toys. i fixate and get angry. and then i can't really stop the crazy. it spirals. (this is normal, right? please tell me if it's not.)

and i blame working full time. because if i didn't work outside of the home 9 hours a day, maybe i could spread out the crazy. take it one thing at a time. or at least get it out before steve got home and had to witness it (and become the victim of my crazy).

today working full time did not make me a better mom. it made me an angry mom. and a difficult to deal with wife.

sorry, steven.

for the widows in paradise...

after seeing a woman standing on the corner begging for food and money, j and i had a conversation that went like this...

L - you know, there are some kids in the world with no food or clothes or toys.

J - no food at all? not even a little?

L - yeah, some have none at all.

J - what do we do about it?

and i could leave the story here. with a profound statement from a four year old, but that's not real life. so here's how the rest went:

L - well what do you think we should do?

J - we should give them some money for food, then they could give us some money back. 

then i think he went on to talk about elf ears.

in all honesty, i do wish we had done something. maybe given her the five dollars i was on my way to spend at starbucks. maybe bought a sandwich and brought it to her. maybe we should have DONE something. like j had said.

get'cha head in the game

ymca basketball has a been a big blessing in our lives this winter. j has pretty much no social interaction with kids his age right now, so s decided to sign him up for basketball. what a great idea. twice a week, j met other kids, learned some basketball, and got out some energy. he loved it. 

 (singing the national anthem)

side note: steven helped coach whenever he wasn't scheduled to work. which was just beyond adorable. he's amazing with kids. there was one day he had gotten about 3 hours of sleep after working late, spent the entire day at home with the boys, coached basketball, then went to back to work. i'm not sure i've ever appreciated him more. my hubs rocks.

(i am not a great photographer.)

(check out that form.)

(go broncos!)

today was the last game of the league. it was also trophy day. which j has been looking forward to since the day he signed up. and as i assumed, i almost cried.

lucky for us, another basketball league starts in january and we will for sure be signing him up.

it's Christmas! let's be glad!

there are very few things i like about steven working nights. yes, i love staying up late, watching grey's anatomy, with a huge bowl of ice cream and no one to judge my show or size of ice cream bowl. but everything else pretty much sucks. and i know we've only been married two years, but this has been by far the hardest season of life yet. (except for those two months when i thought c and i were going to hate each other. for the REST OF OUR LIVES.)

one thing i do like, though, is the time he gets to spend with j. j has been in daycare since he was 7 weeks old. and we've been so blessed to have sitters that felt like family. their house felt like home. but this time that j has with dad...it's special. slow mornings watching tv, not getting out of pajamas all day, going on adventures, checking out the museums, libraries. painting, building forts, running errands. and dads sometimes have a different way of doing things than moms. not better, just different. they put their daddy prints in everything they do.

steven had been wanting an advent calendar, but by the time he thought to look for one, they were all gone. so he made one. walked into michael's, grabbed a few things, came home and put it together with j for over three hours. they crafted for over THREE HOURS. and i think we may keep it. here is the result:

and some other quick updates:
1) we have a library fine of $25. it's possible.
2) S had an interview today. pray, pray pray.
3) C now has FOUR teeth! holey moley.
4) J is the star of his basketball team. (not really, but he loves it anyways.)
5) people will steal change out of your car if you leave it unlocked.
6) we can't eat popcorn around C anymore. it makes him angry to not eat it.

lost ones

so we stole a cat. i mean, we didn't really steal him. he's been wandering around our neighborhood for about a month. he has followed us on bike rides, walks, and j named him brady awhile ago. j would go out looking for him yelling "brady....brady!"

today brady was here when i got home from work. tried to sneak in the house. and by the time i actually got in the front door, he was meowing at the back. this happened three times today. i would leave and he was always just waiting to follow me up the front steps when i got home.

so we kept him. well, let me say this: it's not for selfless reasons. s and i aren't cat people. we aren't animal people. we're people people. animals has never been our thing. BUT...

a couple weeks ago we had a mouse incident. one that involved tears and steve's bff coming over at 10 pm to take care of business. (yes, s is capable of handling this type of thing on his own. and he would have, had he not been at work.) i'm not proud of how i handled that situation, tears might not have been necessary, but whatever. like i said, i'm not an animal person.

so brady was begging us to keep him. in the garage. don't worry - we made him a little bed, gave him a light, some food and water. he will be well taken care of and hopefully keep up his end of the bargain in this situation.

i don't have any pictures yet because i didn't want to get too close.

by the way, don't tell my dad's wife. she'd kill me. or make him a christmas stocking.

let it fall

still feeling lazy. still carrying that extra 10. still have a pretty awesome life.

(still reppin' the bears)

(my favorite photo of him ever.)

(spiderman and ninja. both totally playing the part.)

(we got in some good time with A this fall.)

(fun at costco.)

feeling thankful still...

wrong way

we're in a funk. and have been for months. in the craziness of getting ready to move, staying in someone else's house for three weeks, figuring out new jobs in a new city and new schedules, well...we just haven't found our groove yet.

i've been drinking too much diet coke, smoking too many cigarettes, eating too many french fries, and running not at all. my jeans are not happy.

the past four years i started work at 7:30 am. which meant getting up between 5:30 and 6, going for a run (before my belly got too big and summer got too hot) and leaving the house before i saw any sweet faces. but i was home by 4. in time to play and cook and do anything else i needed to do.

now my work day typically starts at 9. which means i get a lot of sleep and i kind of love it. kind of addicted to my sleep. and usually only see one sweet face before i leave. but now i don't get home until 5 or 6, sometimes later. rarely feel like cooking (though we probably wouldn't even have the right groceries if i wanted to), and end up folding laundry until 11. 

after four years in social services, this is the first job that leaves me drained and exhausted at the end of the day. it wears me out. i come home and need a break. need a rest.

on one hand, it's nice to feel more laid back. not feel the pressure to be so disciplined. to let things go a little bit.

but i feel lazy as fuck. i'm carrying around an extra 10ish lbs. and i just feel stuck.

we're going to be friends

jack and his cousin are best friends. we don't get to see them as often as we'd like, but i think that will always be the case unless they're living next door. (which isn't likely to happen anytime soon since they're moving to france for two years).

jack and ava have always gotten along. ALWAYS. jack loved her so much when she was a baby and as she's gotten older, she's followed every move he makes. they're almost exactly a year apart. steve says there will come a time when it'll get weird because he's a boy and she's a girl, but right now, they're best friends.

jack used to be a biter. (i'll defend my kid to the death about this too.) but one of these times involved ava. she was at jack's babysitter for the day while my sister was out of town. another little girl at the sitter's was getting into ava's diaper bag while she was napping. according to the sitter, he gave off warning signs that he was upset; yelling and crying, like "bitch, step away from my cousin's stuff or i'll bite you." and he did.

ava (and beckett and tracy) are coming to town tomorrow. we haven't seen them in three months. jack's been counting down for days. the other night before bed i asked j what he was thankful for. "i'm thankful it's only four more days until ava is here."

 july 2008

april 2009

 august 2010

october 2010

july 2011

precious love

steven and i have tried to be as open and honest with j about his story and life as much as we can, considering he's four. we talk about it often, hoping he feels able to ask questions when he has them, and hoping he always knows who he is: first and foremost, a child of God. and after that, loved very very very very much by steven and i.

tonight, our past and our story was on my mind and my heart as i was sharing bits of it with a new friend in town. so as i was putting j to bed, as we were snuggling, and laughing, and loving, i took the opportunity to talk with him about it once again.

me - j, do you remember what happened to your first dad?
j - yeah, he got sick.
me - does that make you sad?
j - no because Jesus will bring me a new daddy and He already did.

i know these conversations will change as he gets older; it will get more complicated with more questions. but right now, i'm so happy. happy that he knows he's loved. happy that he's not sad. happy that the conversations are still easy.

(s and j in the early days.)

happiness

i had a post all written in my head about how life is hard right now. all of our needs are abundantly met, but things are hard. we're tired. we get angry. we miscommunicate. we're overly sensitive. we're don't always choose love. 

then i came home. where steven had planned a bonfire night with hot dogs, smores, seasonal beer. and my heart is full.

after our bonfire night, it was bathtime. which has become one of my favorite times (of the week, on a good week) since j learned to hate it less and c is able to join in the fun.

life will be hard again tomorrow i'm sure, but tonight i am going to bed happy.

home life

i've been meaning to update, but my computer is all but dead. which means i can't upload new pictures. which makes posting boring and slow. but here i am with an update on life. and it's boring. sorry.

work is going well. i feel worlds away from the world of adults with developmental disabilities, which is where i spent the past four years. but now i'm in a whole new world - one of abuse, addiction, poverty. i feel like i'm slowly finding my way. my schedule is crazy all over the place, which means working late two nights a week, rarely feeling like cooking, and eating peanut butter and jelly in my car at least three times a week. but overall, i love the job. i love the stress. and i don't hate the schedule. because every now and then i get an afternoon like tuesday. had a cancelled appointment so i was able to meet the boys for ice cream and take jack on a bike ride. and mornings like this one. which involved drinking coffee in my pajamas while finishing some work from home, making chocolate chip pancakes for j, and taking him out on his scooter. 

s is working nights at a bar. so his days involve very little sleep while caring for the boys all day. my crazy schedule + his crazy schedule = crazy life right now. but we're making it. and not unhappyily. (though honestly it could be easier and we probably could be happier.) this is life for now and we're grateful for it, still fully confident in being here.

and in other news, a couple looked at our house for the third time this week. so we could be moving again!

this city

recently, some friends and i were talking over drinks about their bucket lists. i don't really have one. nothing really seems that important to me that it's imperative i do it before i die. i want to love some people well. hopefully lots of people. that's about it. 

anyways, i do have an "indianapolis bucket list" and here it is:

1. go duck pin bowling in fountain square (this was accomplished over the weekend for steve's 30th birthday!)

2. attend the indy 500

3. eat at city market 

4. go to a colts game

5. go the indiana state fair (i missed it this year)

6. eat at bub's burgers in carmel which has been featured on man vs. food - i've already been once, but it was the best burger i've ever eaten in my life so once is not enough

7. take j to the children's museum

8. take j to the indianapolis zoo

9. catch an indianapolis indians game (minor league baseball)

i'm sure i'll be crossing things off this list and adding new things all the time. my job takes me all over the city. to every nook on every side of town. i meet a lot of crazy people. i see a lot of good and bad, but mostly bad. i don't mind though. i love indianapolis and i think i love it more because of the bad i see. i feel like i know her well. not just the cute pretty parts you want to show your friends, but i feel like i really know indianapolis.and i want to know more. as much as i can. and we're really just beginning here...

tonight, not again

steven has started working nights. and it's an okay gig for now. brings in a little bit of extra money without having to pay a babysitter. it works out.

but i hate falling asleep without him. so inevitably, i stay up too late watching grey's. waiting until i'm really really tired in hopes that i'll fall asleep quickly. the next morning i wonder why i didn't take advantage of a quiet night and go to bed earlier.

even when steven is home at night, we normally don't go to bed together. but there's something about the comfort of him just being in the other room. without him - the house is weirder, louder, lonelier. i don't like it. i guess that's what marriage does. makes the world a little scarier when they're not around.

marvelous light

this week, in three days, i read heaven is for real by todd burpo. the content of the book (which is true, by the way) is this:

colton, todd's three year old son, had an emergency appendectomy. while on the operating table, colton experienced heaven. colton was actually in heaven. over the course of the next year or so, he shared what he saw with his parents. all of which remarkably aligned with what the Bible tells us of heaven.

revelation 21:23 says "the city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the Glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp." one day colton's father tried to kind of trip him up by asking something like "what did you do when it was dark in heaven?" colton responded by saying "It doesn't get dark in heaven...God and Jesus light up heaven." 

i've been listening to a couple of songs on repeat lately. one is "nothing" by the script which has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but it's a kick ass song that everyone should listen to (you can actually feel the heartbreak). the other two coincidentally speak to this idea of God as light. the first is "marvelous light" by charlie hall. it says "into marvelous light, i'm running, out of darkness, out of shame." listening to this song this morning, after reading the book, struck me. the light. i've also been listening to "from the inside out" by hillsong united. the song says, "everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades. never ending, Your Glory goes beyond all fame." the book gave new meaning to these lyrics for me.

 
i've considered myself a Christian my whole life, though what that has meant in my life and my understanding of it has constantly evolved. but i knew i believed in Jesus, believed that He died on the cross and conquered death, and that i would one day join Him in heaven. but i've never really given heaven anymore thought than that. this book has not necessarily changed my perspective, but helped it. gave thought to things i hadn't. it's changing the way i listen to music, the way i talk to jack about Jesus, and the way i view death. though death still carries a lot of fear for me, "death has lost its sting"...

i want to go to heaven.

farther along

we're here! and loving it. been here for a month. and it's starting to feel like home.

this is the home we stayed in our first three weeks here. steve's best friend and his wife blessed us immensely by allowing us to stay here while they were serving on young life assignment in colorado. staying there gave us a little time to figure out what in the world we were going to do. it bought us some time. and i fell in love with the house. if i could pick it up and move it closer to the city and live in it, i would. obsessed.

this is the home we're staying in now. it's a cute, older home with plenty of space for our family of four. and it's in a neighborhood just a couple miles from the heart of downtown. a historic neighborhood with cute shops, a starbucks, and killer pizza place. we like it. notice the "for sale" sign in the yard? yeah, that's the catch. s and i weren't ready to sign a year lease anywhere, wanted to keep our options open. so our realtor friend turned us onto this home. owners were moving out of state and were interested in the idea of having people keep an eye on the house while keeping it on the market. it's a win-win. we're free to leave at any point and they're free to kick us out at any point. i'm just hoping it's not next month.

we love it here. we feel at home. and though life is a little crazy right now and there's still a lot up in the air, there's no doubt this was the best decision for our family. i love learning the city, finding my way around, knowing the different areas, and finding my favorite spots. like mo'joe for coffee. jockamo for pizza. yats for cajun. the chatterbox for drinks.

a trip to chicago shall happen soon though because i miss these two a lot (and i need to meet the puppy):

it's your life

i've started reading don't waste your life by john piper. between that and coming across THIS blog, i'm feeling antsy and inspired and like a giant loser. what am i doing? working and watching a lot of HGTV. i know we're not all called to these crazy inspiring amazing lives. not all of us will adopt a million babies or start an organization to feed thousands or preach the gospel all over the nation. and i know that is okay. but i feel like i'm not doing much with the life i've been currently called to. it's like the passage in luke: whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much. well what am i doing with my very little? am i loving my neighbors? am i seeing Jesus in the least of these? am i clothing and feeding the poor, orphans and widows?

i'm getting the itch for more. to do more.

still

thank you so much for the prayers, thoughts, and love. prayers have been answered. S's platelets started coming up today so he's most likely coming home tomorrow. though we don't know exactly what caused this, the doctors have ruled out a number of really bad things. they're assuming it was some kind of virus in S's body that caused the attack on his platelets. either way, my baby is coming home and we're moving to indy!!!!!

 (can you believe my toenails are painted? it's a miracle.)

the past few days S and i sat together, read, watched tv, and talked or not talked. and since he was feeling pretty much normal, we enjoyed our time together. it was nice not talking plans and kids. but just sitting and being.

during the past three days while S and i were sitting around doing nothing, our parents and my sister were working their tails off to finish up the packing and cleaning and watching the boys so i could be with S. due to all their hard work, we're planning on leaving friday for indy. just one day behind schedule.

again, thank you for the prayers and concern. we felt it all.

keep it together

so it started at my mom's saturday afternoon when my mom's husband noticed a large bruise on S's leg. the next day we found two more on his stomach and back. later that night, more bruises all over his arms with popped blood vessels all over his body. at the advice of our smarty pants doctor friend, S went to the emergency room late last night. i met him there around 3 this morning. come to find out he has no platelets. not one to be found. he was admitted to the hospital around 6 am.

they are doing a number of tests to rule out a number of things. they started him on a steroid treatment and we're praying to God that does the trick to get his platelets back up. we will know more tomorrow as the test results start coming back. we do know that even with best case scenario, S will be there for a couple of days.

S is doing well, besides for being exhausted and having been poked all day. he's badly bruised. and tired. C went home with grandma and auntie cj. J is spending the night with grammy and pawpaw. and though i miss all three boys like crazy, i'm glad for the calm after this crazy day. and after 2 hours of sleep the past 36 hours, i'm ready for some rest.

thursday was supposed to be moving day. that is no longer the plan. there is no plan.

praise God for health insurance. praise God that i'm not currently working. praise God for family and friends who loved us hard today. praise God that S feels as well as he does.

goodbye girl

today i got flowers from one of my clients. his name is nick. he's young, kind of a punk, and the worst driver of a power chair that i have ever seen. what makes these flowers so incredible is that nick lives in a residential facility. so after nick went home from work yesterday, he must have told one of his staff i was leaving and regardless of who suggested it, he went to the garden and picked out some flowers for me (not by himself of course). he gave me the biggest gap-toothed smile today when giving me the flowers in a cute little vase and my heart nearly burst.

i think i've been so busy looking forward, planning, taking care of details, worrying about life on the other side of the move, that i haven't spent any time actually thinking about leaving and how sad that will be. my mom is here. two of my very best friends. families in homewood we have grown to love and who have endlessly loved on our babies. people who have played an incredible role in this time in our lives, just starting life as a family. clients who have made me laugh. our little crappy old apartment, but our first home together. there's a lot to miss.


tomorrow is my last day at elim. let the goodbyes begin...

another white dash

we're moving. and i'm not really sure how to begin talking about it. mainly because all i can see right now is the huge to-do-list i have for the next week and a half.

we're THRILLED. we love indianapolis (oh yeah, we're moving to indy). it's adorable and small and accessible and affordable. you can park on the street for quarters (free on sundays!). you don't have to wait in line at a restaurant for more than 15 minutes. and the houses! we can actually afford to buy a house for cheaper than we rent here. we'll also be closer to steve's family, which will be nice. and it's less than three hours from chicago, so still able to visit my family a lot.

we actually haven't been talking about moving for that long. maybe since april. truthfully, i always knew we'd up in indy at some point, but i thought we'd make a couple stops before settling down there. i guess we kind of feel like chicago was a necessary step for us. we were here to get married, adopt j, pay off some debt, start our life together, have c. but now it's time to dig some roots. build a home for our little family. invest in a city and community. and we've chosen to do that in indy.

we leave in less than two weeks. like i said, there's a lot to do. but there's something awesome about being a young family taking on a big adventure.

little wonders

i have things to blog about, big things, but not until sharing j's fourth birthday. i wish i was the kind of mom who could plan some elaborate party, invite all the neighbors, buy the perfect present, and make it magical for him. but let's be real - i work full time and we have a limited budget. so we did the best we could to make it the best day ever.

for j that meant opening presents at 7 am (he got a tshirt and a book wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper), then going to dunkin donuts in our pjs to pick out the perfect donut.

 a captain america donut - what are the chances??

then we hurried out the door to go to grandma's. j knew we were going to grandma's, but he didn't know why. we dropped off c with my sister and headed to see Cars 2 (thanks to state farm insurance). j was thrilled. we got popcorn (which i proceeded to dump all over the theater floor) and j picked out some candy. j's favorite thing about the movie? the racing. duh.

then we were off to j's favorite restaurant in the whole wide world - mcdonald's. my sister, nephew, and c all met us there to eat and play.

we went to grandma's for the rest of the afternoon. napped. sang happy birthday. played outside. and finished off the night with pizza with our dearest friends. a pretty good day to turn four.

 

his new captain america tshirt.

 

jack, you make the world a better place and me a better person. love you a billion.

i'll stand by you

what happened four years ago tonight is almost as important as what happened four years ago tomorrow. almost.

the night before i was induced into labor with j, we had a party. a birth party. my sister was there, my mom, my best friend, and a lot of the people who loved me throughout my pregnancy (before and after my pregnancy, as well.) we ate, they drank, and cheersed to a baby we loved, but didn't know. my friends loved me well. and they loved j, too. you know how they say you can learn to love something by watching someone else love it? that's what my friends did for me and j during our first year of life together. i loved him better because i saw them love him. not to say i didn't love j, because i did. i thought he was perfect. but they helped me love him better. differently than i would have if they hadn't been in our lives.

haha.

cheers, baby j!

 

 this is what we envisioned j to look like in the womb.

my mom and sister. they were hungover as they drove me to the hospital the next morning.

 i slept with my sister and bff that night. i debated between jack and jackson. i went with jackson, which i regretted, but later got to a chance to change. a story for another time...

i love knowing there were people celebrating j before he even arrived.  people who couldn't wait to meet him. it makes being a scared, pregnant, 22 year old with no job or husband a little easier.

restless ones

i hate being alone. alone in my house, alone in bed. i hate it. yesterday and today the boys have been gone. all three of them. sure, it's a nice break, i get to do what i want and watch what i want and eat what i want. but i actually hate it. i miss them. 

in an effort to not feel so alone, i usually fill up my time. i'll go to my mom's, spend time with friends, etc. so yesterday after work i went shopping. until about 7:30 when i came home with qdoba. i pretty much ate, straightened up, got ready for the next day and went to bed. i'd been so quick to fill up my time that i wasn't actually able to enjoy it.

so today i vowed to enjoy. i went for a run. a pathetic run at that, but i did it. and now i'm enjoying the quiet. and by quiet, i mean mumford & sons pandora blaring while i organize j's room and throw out a bunch of toys. (no seriously, i'm getting rid of a bunch of stuff. something i could never do with him home.) i'm going to eat frozen pizza and watch grey's anatomy. all night long. i'm going to take advantage and enjoy. with equal parts productive and still. maybe i'll end up actually not being so afraid of time alone.

restless ones

i hate being alone. alone in my house, alone in bed. i hate it. yesterday and today the boys have been gone. all three of them. sure, it's a nice break, i get to do what i want and watch what i want and eat what i want. but i actually hate it. i miss them. 

in an effort to not feel so alone, i usually fill up my time. i'll go to my mom's, spend time with friends, etc. so yesterday after work i went shopping. until about 7:30 when i came home with qdoba. i pretty much ate, straightened up, got ready for the next day and went to bed. i'd been so quick to fill up my time that i wasn't actually able to enjoy it.

so today i vowed to enjoy. i went for a run. a pathetic run at that, but i did it. and now i'm enjoying the quiet. and by quiet, i mean mumford & sons pandora blaring while i organize j's room and throw out a bunch of toys. (no seriously, i'm getting rid of a bunch of stuff. something i could never do with him home.) i'm going to eat frozen pizza and watch grey's anatomy. all night long. i'm going to take advantage and enjoy. with equal parts productive and still. maybe i'll end up actually not being so afraid of time alone.

the man he didn't have to be

when i was pregnant with c, people would ask s how he felt becoming a dad. ask if he felt different. if he worried about connecting with the new baby more than j. how naive.

no one seems to understand the relationship s and j have. they really were made for each other. they have a relationship j and i never will. one of forts, mariokart, questions about life, and lots of wrestling. they just get each other. j never missed a step when s came into our lives. and for s, it was a non-issue. never something we had discuss or work through. we were a family. that was it.

steven, we love you. and i know i joke all the time about how we were fine without you and you aren't our savior and we don't need you. but we weren't fine without you and we do need you. we would be so sad and lonely without you. thanks for being our hero.

dad, i miss seeing you and wish we lived closer. memories of the lake are my favorite. boating, learning to ski, having friends there, morning motorcycle rides to get fireworks, drinking coffee on the balcony. i've always felt closest to you at the lake. we felt like a team. and you've been the best boss i ever had. i loved working for you. i loved watching you work. i am so proud. we're looking forward to seeing you sunday. happy father's day.

ron, we are so thankful for you. thank you for loving my babies. and more importantly, loving my mom. she's happy. almost annoyingly happy. we're thankful she has you. we're thankful we have you, too.

bjc, you're the best. i know without a doubt steve learned how to love from you - without hesitation or reservation. you're the best pawpaw i could have ever prayed for my kids to have. and a pretty good father-in-law, too. you're patient and fun. i know you've created memories with jack that he will never forget.

happy father's day to the incredible men in my life. we're so blessed.