clarity

i've been thinking a lot lately about my journey into motherhood. not so much a journey as a cannonball into the deep end. but nonetheless. having friends dealing with infertility, reading about women who dreamed of the day they would become a mother. it's made me think, how bad would i have wanted it? how hard would i have tried? what would i have done to be a mother? would i have even been a mother, given the choice.

there were times i wasn't sure i wanted kids. i thought i'd make a really great aunt. but really, i'm not sure i ever gave it much thought. i never picked out baby names, dreamed of decorating a nursery, or taking in that sweet baby smell.

then i got pregnant. 

there was one day i walking around campus, pregnant. some group or club had crosses in the courtyard representing babies whose lives have been taken by abortion. i cried. not for the babies, but for the mamas. i got it. i understood why they chose what they did. i was one of them, i was scared, i was alone. that could have been us....but for some reason, it wasn't.

so i guess i did choose to be a mother. it just didn't take me very long to think about it. there was no dreaming, no planning. just one look at that test, glaring the word "pregnant" at me, and i knew. i was going to be a mom. i did have a choice. i chose my baby.

almost six years later...

love is hard

i haven't much felt like writing lately. i'm sick of complaining. it's not that life is bad. we have a 3 month old who sleeps 10 hours a night, a 2 year old who is 90% potty trained, and a 5 year old who gets report cards so good they bring me to tears. it's just that...we're in the trenches. the trenches of parenting three boys under the age of 6. it feels hard so much of the time.

so instead of focusing on the negative (because life does not suck around here. it's really pretty great), i'll share some pictures of the ones i love the most.

 (easter 2013)

 (i took the little two to chicago)

 

 (jonah and our sweet annie)

 (best friends and babies. so good for the soul.)

 

frightened

today is my first day back to work. if you see me, please be kind. and tell me i look great and my baby is cute. and that frozen pizza is a completely acceptable dinner and kids only need baths once a week. and if none of this is true, LIE.

thank you.

another day

things have been pretty quiet here...actually, that's not true. it's loud and chaotic, just about all the time.

 

it's just that nothing's new...well that's not true either. (steve says i still have pregnancy brain.)

my lovely sister-in-law and her husband welcomed my new nephew into the world march 20th.

jamison jamal faghihi

6 lbs. 6 oz.

20 inches

he's beautiful and healthy and the tiniest thing i've ever seen in my life.  no, really.

jonah got to meet him yesterday and they were both just thrilled. 

 jonah and jamison. best buds. 6 weeks apart.

other than that, we keep surviving. i go back to work april 1st, but i'm not ready to talk about that yet...

 

remind me who i am

it's hard to feel like myself right now. and i remember feeling a little bit this way after each of the boys was born. i feel in a haze. i feel foggy. like i'm watching life happen around me, not so much participating. maybe it's the lack of sleep. or abundance of hormones. maybe it's the struggle of figuring out who i am now as a mom of three, mom of jonah.

it certainly doesn't help to be carrying extra weight and wearing a mix of hand me down maternity clothes and a few bigger things from my own closet. i don't feel cute. i don't feel like myself. i don't look like myself.

it feels like we're on survival mode. waiting for life to get easier. waiting for things to fall into place. waiting for everyone to sleep. which i've been praying for more than anything. not for my boys to know Jesus and know how deeply they are loved or how love others and be strong and kind and brave. no, i've just been praying that they sleep.

i wish i could just soak in this newborn phase (maybe it's the toddler phase i'm really struggling with?!). really love it. and there are a few, quick moments when i really do. but mostly i'm just trying to make it through.

stuck on you

i can't believe it's been almost four weeks with little jonah in our lives and i haven't written much about it. i mean, we have been busy. watching giuliana and bill marathons. drinking starbucks. napping. wandering around target. 

i was out for lunch with a friend yesterday who asked what i do all day. it's easier to answer with what i DON'T do all day. i don't work. i don't clean the house. i don't always shower. i don't cook. 

this time off with jonah has been a gift. i love our slow days with no pressure to do anything but care for this precious little human. i am soaking it up in a way i didn't with the other two. maybe because i have this time for just me and him. maybe because i know he's our last (permanent measures have been taken. hallelujah for no more surprises!). either way, it is perfect.

though our days are slow and calm, our afternoons and evenings are the opposite. sometimes it feels like a sprint until bedtime, trying to finish homework, get kids fed, bathed and loved on. even then, our night may not be over. crosby really hasn't slept through the night since we moved him to a twin bed in december and things have only gotten worse since jonah arrived. at any point in the middle of the night, four of us may be awake, feeling tired and frustrated. (thank the Lord jack is a heavy sleeper. that kid could sleep through the apocalypse.) but everyday (every night) gets a little easier. feels a little more comfortable. though i did have a silent panic attack when i realized steve was going to be gone during bedtime last night. but we made it. with no tears. from me or the kids. that's progress.

 first real bath!

 watching the fan.

there is no doubt these boys love their brother!

turning page

i've waited a hundred years

but i'd wait a million more for you.

nothing prepared me for

what the privilege of being yours would do.

- sleeping at last

we are home, we are healthy, and we are oh so so so happy. 

jonah benjamin was born on february 3, 2013, his brother crosby's second birthday. contractions began at 6:30 am. called my mom at 7:30. went to the hospital at 9:30. as contractions were getting worse and worse and the anesthesiologist was nowhere to be found, i realized i'd be having a natural birth. 

jonah  weighed 9 lbs. 12 oz. and was 22 1/4 in. long. he came into the world at 12:44 pm...naturally. 

it wasn't until the nurses began taking him away before i had even held him that i knew something was wrong. the nurse explained that he had taken some meconium in his lungs at some point and wasn't breathing quite like he should. the concern was that he could get sick and develop pneumonia. they needed to monitor him in the nursery. we would be unable to feed him, hold him, touch him until he was stable. 

steven and i weren't too concerned. but four hours later, after i had recovered a bit and was able to visit him in the nursery, i became very sad. 

 
he wasn't in the regular special care nursery. he was in a dark, quiet room by himself. hooked up to oxygen and monitors. the nurses warned that he could not have too much stimulation. and then i cried. he was supposed to be with us. we were supposed to be passing him around, taking pictures, oohing and ahhing at  his features and soft skin, discussing who he looks most like. i was supposed to give him his first feeding. change his first diaper. it was all very sad.

to make things worse...due to the flu, no visitors under the age of 18 were allowed in the hospital. the boys couldn't meet their brother. steve spent his time between the hospital and home. on tuesday he went back to work for a half day. the same day jack was home sick with my mom. it all felt wrong. i missed them all. i was sad.

by monday, i was able to feed jonah, change his diapers, and spend time with him in the nursery. he continued to get good reports, but the doctors wanted to continue to monitor him. he was taken off the oxygen, and later monday moved to the big nursery! 

tuesday afternoon the nurses wheeled him into my room. we got our first pictures together and packed up to go home! we arrived home at 10:30 pm, where his biggest brother was waiting for him! 

 then at 6:30 the next morning...

we are thankful to be home. thankful for the help we've had. the meals that have been provided. thankful for our health. and a quick recovery. thankful for coffee and wine. visitors and well wishes.

now real life begins...